Send Us your Jokes and if they're good enough we'll post them below will give you credit for them!
Email them to office@lionsdencomedy with the subject 'Joke'. Don't forget to leave your name.

Jokes on Twitter must be less than 140 characters to be re-tweeted -

- Please be original.. not all jokes make it! Each joke is tested in our Quality Control Laboratory!

 

Danny Satchel
Joke: George Clooney is making a film about the life of Garry Glitter, its called. OH SHE´S ELEVEN. Ouch

David Charlton
Joke: A catholic priest is driving down a dark country lane, when all of a sudden he hits a frog, the priest gets out of the car to check the frog is okay. Amazingly the frog is still alive. The priest does what any good priest would do and takes the frog home to nurse it better. After several bowls of fly soup and some rest the frog seems to be picking up. The priest tucks the frog into bed and the frog says 'read me a story' as the frog starts to fall asleep the priest tip toes out of the room, the frog wakes and says 'I cant get to sleep without a goodnight kiss', so the priest leans over and kisses the frog, as his lips touch, the frog suddenly turns into an 11 year old boy - and that m'lord is the case for the defence.

Ryan James Elms
Joke: I went on a first date the other night and it was the most awkward and quiet time of my life, but at least she laughed at a few jokes.. I took her to a comedy club

Stan
Joke: 1000s of people in Haiti are today suffering from the 30 aftershocks last night, what amazing people!
I'm f*cked after just 5 of the Red ones

Skint Bint
Joke: I'm having trouble getting into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two friends?

Paddy Buckley
Joke: A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. " Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest. And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says
" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

Max Addyman
Joke: Did you hear about the american who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?
He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.

Paddy McCay
Joke: I met this girl once. She said she worked in telesales. I asked "what make? Sony Panasonic? Hi def?"

Young A.J
Joke: A jelly baby walks into a doctors surgery and asks for an s.t.d test. The doc asks how might a jelly baby be liable for one. The jelly baby replies "I've been shaggin' allsorts"

Rhys Jones
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.

Nelson de Gouveia
Joke: We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me.. I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...she said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were shit. So was her handbag...we broke up.

Mark Gale
Joke:I was once watching countdown with my gran and i got aroused.
7 letters...my personal best.

Mark Gale
Joke: My Grandad was a fake blacksmith you know.
He worked in a forgery!

Michael Douglas
Joke: sheep walks into a mosque in a full burkha - mutton dressed is-lamb ...

Becca Gibson
Joke: Why did the baker have mucky hands?
Because he kneaded a poo...

John Talbot
Joke: How does the pope buy things on eBay? He uses his papal account!

Stephanie Laing
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee.. BAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Wojtek Zdrojkowski
Joke: I think my girlfriend is trying to get rid of me, I think she might not like Polish people. I looked in the one of the cupboards, there was a bottle there that said 'removes polish.' Not only that it was made in Germany.

Maria Bywater
Joke: Men are like parking spaces the good ones are taken and the ones left are all disabled

Damien Alexander
Joke: If you build a man a fire, you keep him warm for a night.
If you set him on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Luke Garrett
Joke: knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!

Luke William
Joke: What does a cannibal do after he's dumped his girlfriend?
Wipes his @rse!

Adam Smith
Joke: I once took a girl out who's dad owned a Blockbuster Video. He said she had to be home by 10 but I got her home at half 11 so I had to shove her through the letter box and pay an extra £5.00!

Martyn Tott
Joke: "If life gives you lemons.. squeeze them in your enemy's face"

Tom Mabon
Joke: A homeless guy approached me the other day claiming he hadn't had a bite in days.
So i bit him.

Milli Innilä
Joke: The leading couple of this joke consists of husband and wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues husband.
Wife gets suspicious and asks what husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands wife. Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks husband.
Wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged" she finally responds.

Ola the Comedian
Joke: Young Black British boys spend their time doing foolish things like picking an Off License, running in, shooting everybody and taking everything they have. I tell them to see the bigger picture and do what White British men have been doing for centuries, which is PICK A COUNTRY, run in there, shoot everybody and take everything they have. That's the correct way to do things.

Dean Ryan
Joke: What do you do if a bird sh1ts on your car? Dump her immediately she must have no class!

Shaun Carse
Joke: A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

Paul Mcloughlin
Joke: What's long hard and f**ks Australians?
Primary school.

Sally Housser
Joke: Q: How come French people only ever eat one egg?
A: One egg is un oeuf.

Paul Deehan
Joke: What's a women and a condom got in common?
They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

Nikhil Adhia
Joke: Isn't it depressing how Indians can be so cheap. My cousin came around to give me my birthday present today with this new eau de toilette 'AMPLE' until I realised when I looked closer and noticed that he had scratched out the 'S'... in fact he had just gone and got me a 'SAMPLE'!!

Steve Schneider
Joke: I enjoy masturbating twice a day. The other three times I am kind of forcing myself.

Pete Kermally
Joke: If your escaping from police dogs don't jump over hurdles and through flaming hoops - they're trained for that!

Laurence Tuck
Joke: When is a door not a door. When it's Jim Morrison.

Stuart Morrison
Joke: They say laughter is the best medicine, but not for erectile dysfunction.

Mark Cornell
Joke: I was driving down the motorway, when, to my amazement, a procession of big, black hearses shot past me on the inside lane. F*cking undertakers. Bit late to be in a hurry, isn't it?

Liam Pickford
Joke: I suffer from man thrush, which is particularly vicious during the summer months, like a greenhouse made of bacon. I went to me mam and asked her to go in the chemist to get my some canesten. she said "use yoghurt son, clear it up in no time"- i didn't know she meant eat it. now my cock smells like a toffee apple, which you might think is a disadvantage, but my ability to obtain blowjobs from fat girls has increased remarkably.

Sam Eden
Joke: Never date a dyslexic midget. its not big and its not clever

Bradford Keen
Joke: Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night, hears some commotion coming from his parents bedroom.He checks it out and walks in on them having sex and runs away in alarm. His dad sees this and goes to check on Johnny. He's about to enter when he hears some commotion coming from little Johnny's room. He walks in to see Johnny shagging his grandma. The dad says what the hell is going on here? Johnny looks up and says 'its not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

Marcus O'Toole
Joke: Q. What do you get when you cross a Scotsman and a sheep?
A. I don't know, I've been experimenting for 5 years, but the results are inconclusive.

Ross coen/ joeseph king
Joke: Austria's stag industry has fallen to pieces since word hit England that they really do lock their daughters up.

Gareth Pyle
Joke: I went to the doctor's recently for a routine check-up, and it turns out I'm apparently suffering from both premature ejaculation and mild incontinence, so I genuinely never quite know if I'm coming or going.

SAL STEVENS
Joke: Did you hear about the football match between Echa-sketch fc and Craoyla town? It was a draw

Eamonn Bownes
Joke: When I was growing up a really wanted to become a plumber but that was just a pipe dream.

Tom Newell
Joke: A Rabbi, a Priest and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says, "Bejaaaysus! I'm in the wrong feckin' joke!

Billy Hill
Joke: I tried dogging in Surrey for the first time the other week. I don't drive, but you should have seen the look on the taxi driver's face.

Nathaniel Metcalfe
Joke: A pessimist would say that a glass is half empty, whereas an optimist is what American's call an opticians.

Harry Larkin
Joke: Dust man knocked on my door: Where's ya bin!
I replied: ive bin on holiday!
Dust man: No where's ya wheeley bin!
I reply (frustrated): i Wheeley bin on hoilday!!!

James Davies
Joke: The label on viagra says if an erection lasts for more than 4 hours call your doctor. Why would I? I don't even fancy my doctor!

James Turner
Joke: Q. Whats long, hard and f**ks old people?
A. Winter

Dory Dutton
Joke: a friend of mine asked if she could borrow a tampon. I said No. Just keep it.

Paul Butcher
Joke: Quote: "I think it's funny that Spiderman has a website." (my mum)

Tom Cather
Joke: I mistook Viagra for Valium and ended up with 40 wanks.

tim rivett
Joke: There's a poster up in my doctor's surgery that says "living with suicide?" They've sort of missed the point haven't they?

Paddy Hornby
Joke: When the Australian met Queen Elizabeth, he was overwhelmed. Back in Australia he had only ever seen her on the back of a coin or on a postage stamp. Poor bastard didn't know whether to shake her hand, stick her in a coke machine or lick the back of her neck.

Stuart Mceown
Joke: Two old men on bench. One says' I bet I can tell how old you are'.
'Fuck off you can'.
'I can.I bet you this week's pension I can.'
'You're on.'
Old man A then instructs old man B to bend over and pull his pants down. Old man B looks puzzled, but complies. Old man A rams his fist up B's arse, jiggles it about, pulls it out and proclaims:
'You're eighty-three.'
'How do you know that?'
'You told me yesterday'
Boom boom.

Danny Satchel
Joke: a cat hijacked a plane and said take me to the canarys.

Paddy Hornby
Joke: When the Australian met Queen Elizabeth, he was overwhelmed. Back in Australia he had only ever seen her on the back of a coin or on a postage stamp. Poor bastard didn't know whether to shake her hand, stick her in a coke machine or lick the back of her neck.

Billy Hill
Joke: I tried dogging in Surrey for the first time the other week. I don't drive, but you should have seen the look on the taxi driver's face.

Matthew Gibbs
Joke: What goes clip-ity clop, clip-ity-clop, clip-ity-clop. Bang, bang. Clip-ity-clop, clip-ity-clop, clip-ity-clop?
An Amish drive by shooting.

Frank Cassidy
Joke: Knock Knock! Who's there? "A doorbell salesman, and I think I've got a great 'new' product for you!"

Ben Chancer
Joke: An octopus swans into a bar proclaiming to be a genius musician with any instrument. An English fella riled by the squid's audacious claims wages him an ale he can't play the boozers piano better than Elton john, the octopus excepts the challenge and proceeds to play the keys like Mozart! Not wanting to be sidelined an Irish brogue yells at the octopus to work his magic on his electric guitar; to which the 8 legged legend smirks before knocking out a number better then Hendrix, flaunting his talents defiantly with aquatic arrogance! Finally a burly drunk Scotsman who has been seething in the corner rocks up to the octopuses table and says; "alreet you slippery swine, why don't ye try ye chances with me bag-pipes eh ye cocky wee shite!!?" Shoving the instrument aggressively in the arms of the maestro, the octopus wastes no time leaping upon the instrument in a flash, rubbing his tentacles up and down the instruments bag like a squid possessed, fumbling in a noticeable f!
luster for several minutes without so much as a note from the pipes! The Scotsman laughs and claps his hands in triumph; "whets the matter pal" he crows, "can you nay play it!!?...."play it!?" says the octopus "I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her fookin pyjama's off!"

Lee Hume
Joke: Horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'Why the Long face?'. The horse says 'Its over Geoff'.

Tom Everitt
Joke: If the bird of peace is the dove, surely the bird of true love is the swallow!

Shan Mak
Joke: Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex? one will make your day the other will make your hole weak.

Andy Sills
Joke: I've been spending a lot of time trying to find myself recently.......on google earth

Michael Cohen
Joke: How do old people know when to get out of the bath? They're so wrinkly to begin with...

Ben Briggs
Joke: My last relationship was ended brutally by a text message,
Well i told her not to play with her phone whilst she was driving

Terry Stamp
Joke: They say revenge is a dish best served cold. My girlfriend left me for my best friend a while ago. I decided to get back at them. So I took them out for a nice ploughmans lunch.

Matt Day
Joke: Man walked into a room with a sheep under his arm .
says "this is the old goat i have to sleep with when you have given me a head ache"
woman says " i think your find thats a sheep"
man replys "i think your find i was talking to the sheep "

Scott Oulton
Joke: Ann Widdicombe walks in a pub with a parrott on her shoulder and says to the barman, "if you can tell me what animal i have on my shoulder ill give you a shag". With a look of fear and disgust, the barman says " ah, um, eh.... A Crocodile!" Ann says, Close enough!

Tommy Ettling
Joke: I'm Neurotic and I'm Paranoid... I'm afraid that no one is out to get me.

Albion Gray
Joke: I recently told a joke about Tony Blair still being Prime Minister - apparently it wasn't politically correct.

Alistair Greaves
Joke: Q - What do you call a dinosaur who can never quite think of the right word?
A - Use-a-thesaurus

Kai Motta
Joke: Did you hear about the cross dressing postman?

She got done for male fraud.

John Atkins
Joke: I punched a German philosopher in the face the other day...
I was arrested for crimes against Nietzsche.

Martin Richardson
Joke: I've been trying new things in London, so the other week i went to see a musical. Then after the show i read the reviews. One said "This show is like nothing you'll ever see again." I went twice, it was exactly the same.

Luke Graves
Joke: They say that black is slimming but I think that Barry White proved that theory wrong...

Bob Freeman
Joke: Bob wakes up one morning, looks out of his window to find a gorilla in his favorite tree. So he calls the pest control immediately.
The pest control man arrives in his van and says, "That the gorilla?"
"Yep that's him"
the pest control man then opens his van and gets out a pair of hand cuffs, a terrier dog and a shot gun. He say, "right, I'm gonna go up that tree, wrestle with the gorilla, slap the hand cuffs on him and push him out the tree. When he lands, this dog will grab him by the bollocks and hold him there till i get down, ok?"
"yeah that sounds fine"
He starts to climb the tree when Bob says to the pest control man,
"hey what about the shot gun!"
"Oh yeah I forgot, if by any chance I fall out first, shoot that bloody dog!"

Shane O'Connor
Joke: It's a cruel irony of life that people who go speed dating take the longest to get laid.

Laurie Whiteley
Joke: Two dyslexics are at a petrol station. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell petrol?' The other one says 'Smell petrol? I can't even smell my own name!'

Kat Williams
Joke: Did you hear, caffine releases the same endoprhines in the body as a really good shag, so does that make Machine-based instant coffee kind of like getting laid in a bathroom of an isolated gas station in a horror movie; it's dirty, seems like a good idea at the time, takes three seconds and tastes vaguely of something viral, and during the process you realise you may just wind up horrifically murdered...but damnit, it's still coffee.

Joke: How do you sell a caravan to a midgit?

(Look down) "do you want to buy a caravan?"

Milly Belderbos
Joke: A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"

Christian
Joke: I went to the doctors with an hereditary disease, what is it he asked, Diahorrea i replied... The doctor said thats not hereditary, and i said, well it's in my jeans....

Chris Parker-Welch
Joke: Why are countries poor when they can print their own money??

Andrew Quinn
Joke: In my last relationship I got pretty badly burnt...she was a pyromaniac.

Sam Pacelli
Joke: Who's the richest fruit in the world? Sultana Brunei.

Ben Allen Roebuck
Joke: An Australian walks into a small Irish bar...(in Ireland not Australia), after taking a seat at the bar,a local stands up and proudly says "53"....there is a pause, then everybody starts laughing....then another patron stands up and says "42"...again everybody cracks up with laughter...the Ozzie turns to the barman an asks "whats is this ?....some kind of Irish Bingo????...The barman replies "No son...this is only a small Irish town, we all know each others jokes, and to make it easier we have numbered everyones jokes, so we just say the number and everyone has a good laugh...
The Ozzie looks impressed and then enquires " Mind if i have a go?"...After the barmans consent, the Australian stands up, turns around and says loudly "86"...there is a pause....nobody laughs except for one guy that gives a mild snigger...The Ozzie turns back to the barman and asks "what went wrong...was it a bad joke"
He replies...."No,.....it was a great,,....unfortunately your delivery was just shit"

Yariv Perelmuter
Joke: Im from Israel right, i must tell you it's no secret that you Brits don't like Israelies. I've been living in the UK for 6 years now and i still receive letters from the council addressed to the 'Occupier'...

Scott Calonico
Joke: How come you can take the cap off of super glue?

Catherine Miller
Joke: Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.

Carwyn Jones - I don't think this one is original as two people came up with it (in order) the same week...
Joke: I went to see the doctor and she said to me "Mr. Jones, you have to stop masturbating".
I said "Oh no, why?"
She said "because I'm trying to examine you..."

Robbie Wilson
Joke: Bigots are so stupid, like people who call gay men: 'turd burglars'. Anyone can see that bumming makes turds harder to steal.

Michael Chandler
Joke: When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record. (Pause) I did not know you still needed one!

Fraser
Joke: Dating sites are fundamentally flawed. Your have to judge someone based on a little profile, and guys and girls read those in different ways. I went out with a girl who said that she was adventurous, spontaneous and would try anything once.... Which i took to mean, she took it up the arse on a first date... NOoooo, actually she turned out to be a suicide bomber

Bob Hanson
Joke: Q: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
A: I'm a beater on a grouse shoot.

Dave Bromage
Joke: Just joined one of those social networking websites but found out it's supposed to be for Egyptians only.
It's called Fezbook.

Deborah Basckin
Joke: What's ET short for? That's just the way he is...

Oli Stephens
Joke: My girlfriend though she might be pregnant, so I got her one of these home pregnancy tests. I took the stick out of the box, told her to go into the toilet and do her business on it. I said to her, "Has it turned blue yet?" She said, "No, it's still brown."

Edward Hands
Joke: A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".

Kelly Hamilton
Joke:: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan,crisp and even.

Oli Stephens
Joke: I found this announcement in the paper: Police are looking for a man, mid-twenties, long black hair, at least 6 foot tall, owning a motorbike. Persons meeting this description should make contact with WPC Yates in connection with her recent divorce and intent to find a man who can show her a good time. Must like women in uniform. Handcuffs supplied.

Joshua Ryan
Joke: Q: What goes "Ooooooo"?
A: A cow without lips.

Colin Martin
Joke: Just started anew job. Management have a strange way of making yes and no decisions. Some roll a dice evens is yes odds is no. Others flip a coin heads is yes tails is no. Didn't take me long to find out who are the rollers and who are the tossers

Finlay Taylor
Joke: What do a chav and a gillette fusion have in common? both carry 5 blades

Periwhyte
Joke: Codger: ee son `ave benn a labour supporter all me life..now ahm dyin ah want yoo to git me papers to join Tory party...
son: to join Tory party da`.. why ?
codger: ..ah`d rather one of them bastards died than one of us !

Mick McGrath
Joke: Did you hear about the gypsies who won the lottery?
They were paid in traveller's cheques.

Luke Benson
Joke: Did you know you make the same noise as two coconut halves walking down the street...by banging two horses together?

Cal Saville
Joke: A friend asked me why entertainers don't do funerals. I said I tried once. I opened up by saying, 'We're here to mourning the passing of Steve, who once told me he'd never be seen dead at one of my gigs. I guess he was wrong.'
Amazingly, no one there booked me for their funeral.

Jon Buchan
Jokes:
Which one actor never thanks god when he wins an award? Christian Slater!

People look down upon transexuals, but you gotta admit: sex change operations take balls.

Philip Sutton
Joke: You think kids have got it tough in the mean streets of Elephant & Castle, it's much worse up here...we only have 23 letters to the alphabet, 'cos we have no NHS!!!

Mark Needham
Joke: Did you hear about the clothing store that was burnt to rubble on Oxford Street? They said it was a New Look

Tink
Joke: Two pieces of rope walk into a bar, the bar man says we don't serve rope. The two pieces go outisde and tie them selves together as well as messing up their hair. When they go back in the bar man asks are you rope? and they reply, were afraid not.

Mark Restuccia
Joke: My mate works in a donkey graveyard. He's not enjoying though, says its full of ass-holes

Huw Bromage
Joke:: Whats a shitzu? I thought is was one with no penguins.

Alicia Zmitrowicz
Joke: If you ask a man why one of there lot climb Everest they'll proclaim "because it's THERE" Yes well the ironing is "THERE" but they don't want to do THAT. They don't want to tackle that particular mountain.

Tim Kelly
Joke:: Why does Tony listen to George? - The last time anyone listened to a Bush the Israelites spent 40 years wandering in the desert.

Dave Sims
Joke: A drunk father staggers up his driveway at home, where his son is working on his car.
"What's wrong, Son?" he asked
"Piston broke," came the reply.
The dad says,
"Me to"

Nick Rado
Joke: What do you call a Black man flying a plane? ... A pilot you racists!

Tom Deacon
Joke: I wondered why the frisby was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Sam Tabersham
Joke:: I was never one of the popular kids at school. Even my imanginary friend thought I was a f***ing twat.

James Davis
Joke: KNOCK KNOCK! who's there? THE POLICE! the police who?
STOP PISSING ABOUT IT'S THE POLICE.

Big Tom
Joke: A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.
A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

Carl Hutchinson
Joke: Went to a housewarming party, they said bring a gift, i brought them a boiler and 2 radiators.

Ian Hawkins
Joke: My father was a remote, distant man. He was a polar explorer.

Hilary Taylor
Joke: On hearing the news that Saddam Hussein had been executed, Elton John was quick to record a memorial record. The single "Dangle in the Wind" is released Monday.

Stu Hepcat
Joke: Hey just been back from Vegas, what a town. Iv'e come up with a system for the gambling, as soon as you get off the plane at McCarran airport...walk straight into the propeller!

Danny Davis
Joke: I met a girl recently, sweet looking, and things went well first time we went out....we went back to her place and...you know....we became intimate....and I said to her, because she looked sooooooooooo sweet.....am I the first man that you've slept with....and she says "Maybe, your face looks familiar

Kris Nixon
Joke: What noise does a cow make?............................Moo
What noise does a sheep make?............................Bah
What noise does an Oyster make?...............................Beep. or BEEP BEEP if you're short of cash

James Aukett
Joke: Welcome to the 2007 Budget - or as I like to call it, "Future Prime Minister's Question Time"!

Ed O'Meara
Joke: I wanted to defend myself on the street so thought about getting some pepper spray. The online stuff is expensive so I decided to make my own. The trouble is that I don't know how much pepper to grind in. Too much and I might clog up the nozzle, too little and I might just season my attacker - I want to incapacitate him, not improve his flavour.

Ben Van der Velde
Joke: I destroyed a Burberry shop with a combine harvester in the name of middle class elitism. I was separating the wheat from the chav.

Davey Butler
Joke: If you cut an eskimo in half is it like an artic roll?

Paul Osborne
Joke: I went to that Charles Dickens museum near Kings Cross the other day. It was good, but a little too Dickensian for me.

Kirsty Hudson
Joke: I visisted the doctors recently, the doctor says to me, have you thought about losing weight? He then says I can refer you to a nutrionist to teach you how to eat. I am 5ft and i weigh 13 stone , I am thinking is it not clear i am fantastic in that area already!

Jak Amneziak
Joke: Why did the lion get lost? coz jungle is massive!

AA Lorber
Joke: Nurse to doctor: Doctor, do you realise you have a suppository behind your ear!
Doctor to nurse: I know, some bum's got my pencil.

Tom Waters
Joke: How do you make a duck sing the blues? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Brendan Naughton
Joke: Did you ever wonder what gerbils do for kinky sex?

Kevin Rice
Joke: I went out with a mermaid once. She said she was ending it because I was too shellfish.

Dan Moore
Joke: What do you get if you cross Jesus?
Christianity

Phil McHugh
Joke: I had a fight with one of the blokes in B&Q. He started it ,he ran up to me and said "Do you want deckin'?"

iMac Hunt
Joke: Did you hear the two horny maggots?
They came in pears!

Chuquai Billy
Joke: My GP is getting mixed in his old age. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough, then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Alex Caldwell
Joke: People say we are too soft on crime in this country, but they're even more lenient abroad. In Iraq, Saddam Hussain was responsible for mass genocide, and all he got was a suspended sentence!

Alex Lasarev
Joke: I'm going to start a cleaning business and hire only Multi racial Employees.
I'm going to call it, Ethnic Cleansing.